“You jump into things without thinking about how much work they’ll be.”
That’s what my husband said to me one morning. “Give me an example,” I said.
“I do most of the dog walking.”
Okay, stop. What? I’ve had dogs my entire life. I have been walking them for almost as long. I have lived with four dogs (three of them German shepherds!), and been partially responsible for their care.
My husband’s statement made me feel like he thinks I’m not willing to do the work required to take care of our dogs. Like bringing these animals into our lives was some whim, because I saw a cute puppy in the pet store window and thought it would make me more attractive or something.
(Just to be clear, our dogs are not from pet stores. Pet store dogs often come from puppy mills, where the mothers are bred over and over again until they die. The people who run puppy mills don’t pay attention to things like the suitability of the dog for breeding, they just want to make money. My corgi is from a responsible breeder and our German shepherd is a rescue.)
I adore my dogs. Every day I look forward to coming home to their excited greeting and unwinding from the day by taking them for a good long walk. With one rather large caveat.
Enter chronic migraine land.
Sometimes (okay, a lot of times), I have a horrible migraine, and walking becomes incredibly painful. Each step is like a hammer blow to my head. So yes, my husband does a lot of solo dog walking.
To be fair, ninety-nine percent of the time he understands my limitations and gladly takes on extra work so I can rest. But when he gets tired or has a headache himself, he sometimes lashes out at me–because my migraines are just as frustrating to him as they are to me.
When he says things like that, even if he doesn’t really mean it, it plays directly into my guilt and self-doubt over the fact that I can’t do any kind of physical anything without getting a horrible migraine.
I often feel like I don’t deserve to have dogs. Or own a home. Or be a writer. I feel like I’m not good enough, because there’s a brick wall (migraines) between me and the thing that prevents me from engaging fully.
Intellectually, I know it’s silly to think about things in terms of deserving them or not. I can only do what I can do. My husband knows that. And a majority of the time, he respects that.
But it’s hard and frustrating for both of us when we feel that I’m not able to pull my own weight.
How do you react when family members accuse you of not doing enough?